September, 2015 | Bettina Network's Blog

Archive for September, 2015

Sexism 101 – Father Figure Problems

Monday, September 28th, 2015

copyright 2015 Bettina Network, inc.

One guest brought a problem to the breakfast table.

She was late arriving and most people were ready to leave.

Her agitated state made all of us stay and the resulting conversation, we felt, belonged on your blog.

We deal with sexism in all ways and places.  Mostly, we talk and write about it in the workplace because that is where your income and vocation come into play.  This breakfast table talk was about sexism in the family.  Particularly with daughters who have father issues they don’t think about, recognize, work on or see as anything having to do with them.

Many women – especially those above 30 – have father figure issues and work them out in their lives.  Most particularly in their romantic lives and in relationship to their mothers.  Have a problematic relationship with your father and your mother gets trashed.

Sexual abuse has come into play now more than ever.  In those above 30 it was not the issue it has become today.  Men with ego problems work out their issues by using women, usually their wives and their daughters are the ones who suffer.

This woman was trying to talk with her daughters about their choice of male companion – husband, boy friend, fiancé, etc.  She noticed that the male companion they chose was always one who was sexually abusive – and – we were not talking about beating or being physically abusive.  We were talking about the male who pursued them being their teacher, boss, someone who was over them in a father-like position.  The young women were protesting to their mother that she was being “hyper” and didn’t understand, paranoid with a chip on her shoulder, etc..  We thought she understood only too well because her own history reflected the same abuse, only at a time when to marry a male above you was looked upon as your having made quite a “catch”.  The woman making that “catch” was looked up to, but in real time, on a day-to-day basis paid a heavy price in her personal life. As she talked we realized she basically hid this side of her life from everyone and presented a great looking marriage to the world.  She couldn’t hide it from her children, but they saw her life through a child’s eyes and interpreted it through their own veils – through which she didn’t come out very well.

A woman in that position, so the table conversation went, would probably be very angry most or all of her married life.  Basically, because she would not have recognized the sexual abuse she experienced during the courtship process, the marriage and the rearing of family.

Such a spouse needed the ego boost of having made a ‘conquest’ and would expect that ‘conquest’ to be in an inferior place to him.  When that didn’t line up with the reality of the relationship, the woman suffered as the man tried constantly to pull the rug out from under anything she did to fulfill her life.  She thought he did that even if the cost was to him, her, the marriage and the children.  The things she did and contributions she made, if they were not according to her ‘stereotype’ he did not want them to succeed and did what he could to kill all of her initiatives and hard work.

He was her fulfillment and that is what she was limited to.  He was her fulfillment according to his judgment and expectations.  Whenever she tried to live her life on her own path she would find herself mired in mess.  If she hadn’t dealt with what was happening and could or would not look at the reality of her life with this spouse then anger, frustration, explosions would follow.  The children, witnessing this anger and those explosions put the blame exactly where it did not belong – on their mother, who then shouldered the negativity of her children and the abuse of her spouse.  The abuse was never – in the family being discussed – physical, it was always on a very different, totally accepted level.

With her children now grown and having walked away from her to their father, what does she do!

Her agitation and unhappiness at breakfast, we thought, was coming from the fact that she either hadn’t seen her life as it was and how she had lived it during this marriage or the truth of that marriage was trying to come out and she wasn’t ready to deal with it.  She was concentrating on her children and the pain of their rejection.

I reflected on how many older women with children I knew, whose children were now alienated from their mother and all in the bosom of their father.  Most of the fathers I knew were divorced and in ‘new’ marriages where their ‘new’ wives were mightily puffing up that male ego.

We did a lot of talking, but didn’t know where to go with this or how to help.  We skipped our morning appointments because this topic drew all of us – wonder why it had such a strong draw.  I suspect it is something we all have inside and have not allowed to come out because it is not such an accepted, commonly discussed topic.  I don’t even know how to write about it for this blog, but feel it is important enough to at least make the attempt.

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A Teaching/Learning Community

Thursday, September 3rd, 2015

copyright Bettina Network, inc. 2015

Join us as we grow the Bettina Network Hedge Schools.

What do you know?

Use your home to pass on to others what has been taught to you and look into becoming a Bettina Network Hedge School Facilitator.

What have you experienced in this life

which are lessons you can share with others!

What has life taught you?

pass it on!

One way to pass along who you are and your life lessons to others is through Bettina Network Hedge Schools – be a part of bringing about this world wide teaching/learning community.

How about your talents?

Sewing, Knitting, Crochet, Photography, Cooking, Design, Gardening, Calligraphy, Religion, Spirituality, Political History Philosophy, Psychiatry – what have we not included that is your passion?

Use your talents as a Bettina Network Hedge School Facilitator.  Use your home to welcome guests who would like to know more about what you do; what you’ve learned; what you teach by staying with you for a few days to absorb your lifestyle, while they go about doing other things.

What is your legacy?

Here is your opportunity to put together the legacy you want to pass along and to be known for.

Piano, organ, other instruments, vocalist – open your home to those traveling for other reasons who also would like to study with you for a couple days or maybe even a week before they go back to their other lives bringing an experience like none other.

Each one teach one –

Your guests come to learn from you and to teach you.  And you wind up with the extra income which will allow you to do things you weren’t sure you could afford – or that you wanted to do, but your money and position got in the way of your being effective.  Let the world come to your home and be a part of an extensive and widespread “behind the hedge” school.

You and your guests become a part of Bettina Network’s Lifestyle Community with the ability to access deep into the Bettina Network, inc.

And to those traveling the world – why stay in an Inn, Hotel, Bed & Breakfast or other accommodation when you can stay in a Bettina Network Hedge School ?????


Learn More About How We Use Your Donation!

Donate to Bettina’s

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Select Payment Method
Personal Info

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This is a secure SSL encrypted payment.
Billing Details

Donation Total: $5.00 One Time

{amount} donation plus {fee_amount} to help cover fees.

______________________________________________________

Want to join us? Have a home that you want to open to become one of Bettina Network’s Hedge Schools? Call us and lets talk – or email us.

Ed. Note: Members of the Bettina Network Lifestyle Community can contribute to the Bettina Network Blog whenever they have anything they want to say and be heard by this fantastic group of people. Send your blog to bettinanetwork@comcast.net or mail it to us at P. O. Box 380585 Cambridge, MA. 02238 or call us on the telephone at 617-497-9166 to tell us what you want to say and we will write it for you.

Volunteer with Bettina Network Foundation, inc. to work estate sales; to help move items from one home to another; to contribute your ideas on how we can better use our resources in this effort to relieve and eliminate homelessness and poverty. We also need photographers; designers; and more. However much or little time you have, we are grateful.

Send your event information to be included in Bettina Network’s Menu of Events to: bettina-network@comcast.net

This is a curated blog so you cannot write your responses at the end of each entry. TO RESPOND TO THIS BLOG email bettina-network@comcast.net or info@bettina-network.com

TO LEARN MORE try www.bettina-network.com

 

 


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